How To Divorce Without Killing Each Other In The Process
Posted: Thursday, October 11, 2007
by Belinda Rachman
Law Office of B. E. Rachman
One of you wants out, or maybe both of you. The disappointment, rage, anger or fear you may be feeling is understandable but it isn't going to help you. It is easy to give in to the "dark side" and veg out in front of the TV, feeling sorry for yourself while you eat half a gallon of ice cream. We have all been there at one time or another. That is not our higher self at our best!!! So what are your options at this point?
Most people are not familiar with divorce mediation. They don't know what the difference is between mediation and arbitration so let me explain it to you. Arbitration is like an informal court. Each side usually has lawyers who argue their case in front of someone who acts like a judge. That person will make a decision that may or may not be binding on the parties, depending on whether or not they are doing binding arbitration. Some stranger ends up telling you what to do. Mediation is completely different. No one tells you what to do. The two of you will decide what works best for your situation. I believe that the best mediators for divorcing couples are divorce lawyers who primarily, if not exclusively, do nothing but divorce mediation. An experienced divorce lawyer has heard all the stories, has seen what happens in court for most common situations and has a good idea of what the judge would do. They can let the couple know what the laws are and guide them through this complicated process but do it in a way that helps them find a solution instead of dragging out the case so they can line their own pockets.
You have already heard the awful stories about divorce court, divorce lawyers and unfair results. Chances are you or someone very close to you was the child of a divorce, so you know the high emotional price children pay when their parents are fighting. People who have children MUST cooperate with each other for the sake of the children. This is YOUR divorce not theirs. When parents are so consumed with their own pain and disappointment, it is hard for them to see what their children are going through. Now is the time for parents to agree to be fair and honest with each other. There is no honor in hiding assets or pretending you earn less than you do in order to lower support. If the person paying support feels like the other parent can't be trusted to spend the money only on what the children need, then they can make arrangements to pay the rent or mortgage payment directly. They can be responsible for paying all the utility, food, cable tv, kid's clothing costs or other payments that directly affect the children. There is no reason to be cheap with each other. The children are the ones who are going to suffer.
It doesn't matter whose idea the divorce is. There is no point in blaming the one who wants out. You can't make someone love you and you can't stop a divorce. Would you curse the sky because you can't fly? Would you try to fight gravity? Well this is the same thing. There is no point in making things worse by fighting what IS. Once you stop struggling and accept the inevitable, you actually feel more at peace. So here is the choice, are you going to lawyer up and fight or are you going to be smart and work together? You can split a pie in half so that each side gets more or give the lawyers their cut too. You know you will get more if you cut the lawyers out of the deal. This is why mediation is such a smart option. You can get all the legal information you need from the mediator. Tell them you want to know if you are following the law and what the court would probably do. You can deviate from the norm if you want to, it is your choice. The terms of your divorce will fit you better if the two of you fashioned them instead of a one size fits all solution imposed by the court.
You live your life out of your intention. What kind of divorce are you going to have? Will it be nasty and expensive where the two of you will both suffer while the lawyers get rich or will you play it cool, calm and collected and take care of business while keeping your head? The more emotional and irrational you are, the harder it will be for you to keep your eye on the prize which is either getting the best deal for yourself or doing what is in the best interest of the kids. One of those should be everyone's goal. You can only have a peaceful divorce through cooperation. Cooperation will only happen in mediation. Going to court is an emotional and financial death sentence. So the choice is yours. You can get a divorce without killing each other in the process if you do mediation. Litigation is a knife fight. Choose.
Ms. Rachman has been a family law attorney since 1996 but she has a Masters in Special Education and taught severely emotionally disturbed children for many years. Unlike many divorce lawyers, her focus in on doing only what is in the best interest of the children. To watch a very informative video showing why you should consider mediation, go to http://www.divorce-inaday.com
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Top-level comments on this article: (3 total)This woman deserves to have her message widely spread. When my wife served me with divorce papers I didn't know what else to do so I ran to a lawyer. That was a stupid mistake that has cost me dearly. But at the time we didnt' know we had a choice in the matter.
This is the most sensible DIY idea of this century and of the last one too. There has been quite a bit written concerning the erosion of the family and the weakened social fabric of our country. Not only is our government owned by special interest, our family law and the weakening of the family has been aided by the encouragement of all the attorneys and their adversarial legal system while getting filthy rich at the expense of couples and their children who are in a vulnerable situation. Three cheers to family law mediation and to those with the sense to protect their assets and not hand their own hard earned money to the thousands of money grubbing lawyers who will drag the separation and divorce out for the benefit of themselves and not the couple/family who need to move on with their lives.
This has my vote for most important article in the contest!
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